Sometimes I feel like I set myself up for failure. For example, I have a Mom's Morning Out on Mondays when I have 2.5 hours to do whatever I want without my kids. I told myself I will use this time to write my 5 blog posts for the week. I realize now that is tooooooo much pressure. I need to remember that taking things one minute at a time is the safest way for a mother of two to live. If I took all the pressure off that I (alone) put on myself I would breath a lot deeper during the days.
If I took the time to remember the Gospel and the reality of Christ's death for me on the cross the pressure to be perfect that I put on would fall off. If I could remember that God sees only Christ covering me when he looks at my little life I would live it without trying to be "awesome" (or trying to the that girl that has got it together). My prayer today is to remember the gospel and God's love when I put the pressure on.
On a side note... when a mother of two is given 2.5 hours to herself she should totally go to Starbucks and Target... Duhhhhhh!
Me
Monday, September 24, 2012
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
This New Life
I like to think I am really good at starting over. I am good at 'unemotional' goodbyes and very friendly with new 'hellos'. I realize now that my skill set ends there. I am sad and depressed and torn and excited and crazy all at the same time (well, the crazy goes with me everywhere I just didn't want her to feel left out).
I miss my sister, I miss my friends, I miss my life, I miss the familiar faces of all the people I love and that loved me so well. I miss knowing where to eat out and how to get to TARGET! I miss knowing which Target was lame and which Target had the best popcorn (yes, I have a Target problem... don't act like you don't). I just miss so many of the little things I did not plan on missing.
I am happy we moved. I am happy that my husband is happy, but I am not happy that I am unhappy. I should by all accounts... be happy. We have a great apartment, I look out my bedroom to clear skies and a forest, it is 65 degrees, I have met a couple new friends, we are members at a great new church and I know this is where God clearly sent us, but I am still depressed and unable to shake the memories of the life I had and LOVED.
So I guess the question is how do I look fondly on the life I lived and forward to the new life I have?
I don't know the answer, but I am finally ready to ask the question. It has been a while since my last post because I didn't want to write some dumb post when this is how I am really feeling. For now I am just living in this feeling knowing that I cannot magically make the sadness go away, but I can fight to look forward to the future with joy and know that it is okay to miss the past. \
Kristen
I miss my sister, I miss my friends, I miss my life, I miss the familiar faces of all the people I love and that loved me so well. I miss knowing where to eat out and how to get to TARGET! I miss knowing which Target was lame and which Target had the best popcorn (yes, I have a Target problem... don't act like you don't). I just miss so many of the little things I did not plan on missing.
I am happy we moved. I am happy that my husband is happy, but I am not happy that I am unhappy. I should by all accounts... be happy. We have a great apartment, I look out my bedroom to clear skies and a forest, it is 65 degrees, I have met a couple new friends, we are members at a great new church and I know this is where God clearly sent us, but I am still depressed and unable to shake the memories of the life I had and LOVED.
So I guess the question is how do I look fondly on the life I lived and forward to the new life I have?
I don't know the answer, but I am finally ready to ask the question. It has been a while since my last post because I didn't want to write some dumb post when this is how I am really feeling. For now I am just living in this feeling knowing that I cannot magically make the sadness go away, but I can fight to look forward to the future with joy and know that it is okay to miss the past. \
Kristen
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Christian Radio
So, I have always been super critical of Christian radio stations because they usually are terrible. In CA the Christian radio stations only play crap and they play the same crap over and over and over. This always got under my skin and just made me so mad that Christians couldn't do radio well.
Then we moved to St. Louis where Christian radio is actually good. They still play some crap... for sure... but most of the music is lyrically uplifting and the content is top notch. Again, some of it is still trash in style and content, but it is more good than bad.
I started thinking about Christian radio and who it reaches and then began to back off of my critical heart because Christian radio reaches a NEW believer in a BIG way. A person who comes to Christ and decides to switch from Katy Perry, Pink, and Bruno Mars to Toby Mac, Mercy Me, and Kari Jobe will go from something purely secular to something that is ideally filling their mind with things of God instead of things of this world.
I try to remember this when I am critical, but it does raise the question. Is 'better' Christian music that has biblically sound content 'most' of the time the goal or should we just give our Christian friends a Bethany Dillon, Derek Webb (early stuff), or Shane and Shane Album???
Thoughts???
Then we moved to St. Louis where Christian radio is actually good. They still play some crap... for sure... but most of the music is lyrically uplifting and the content is top notch. Again, some of it is still trash in style and content, but it is more good than bad.
I started thinking about Christian radio and who it reaches and then began to back off of my critical heart because Christian radio reaches a NEW believer in a BIG way. A person who comes to Christ and decides to switch from Katy Perry, Pink, and Bruno Mars to Toby Mac, Mercy Me, and Kari Jobe will go from something purely secular to something that is ideally filling their mind with things of God instead of things of this world.
I try to remember this when I am critical, but it does raise the question. Is 'better' Christian music that has biblically sound content 'most' of the time the goal or should we just give our Christian friends a Bethany Dillon, Derek Webb (early stuff), or Shane and Shane Album???
Thoughts???
Monday, September 3, 2012
Waiting Here For You
My sister sent me this song Waiting Here for You a long time ago and I loved it then, but I feel like I have been understanding it more and more.
I spend a lot of time waiting on the Lord, but I should be waiting in praise and thankfulness. When I wait for change, peace, circumstances, help and answers my pre-resonse should be waiting in praise singing alleluia!
I also need to remember how much time he spends waiting for me. He waits patiently when I am and far from him and not only does he wait patiently, but as the prodigals father ran to him God runs to me to while I am in the far off distance to bring me home.
Thanks be to God for his pleasing and perfect will that chooses to love us and call us to himself. Help me Lord when I am waiting here for you!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3OEGnH5x8g
Here is the song.
Love,
Kristen
I spend a lot of time waiting on the Lord, but I should be waiting in praise and thankfulness. When I wait for change, peace, circumstances, help and answers my pre-resonse should be waiting in praise singing alleluia!
I also need to remember how much time he spends waiting for me. He waits patiently when I am and far from him and not only does he wait patiently, but as the prodigals father ran to him God runs to me to while I am in the far off distance to bring me home.
Thanks be to God for his pleasing and perfect will that chooses to love us and call us to himself. Help me Lord when I am waiting here for you!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3OEGnH5x8g
Here is the song.
Love,
Kristen
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Faith vs. Fear
Okay, Kristen, you've got me back on this bandwagon. At least for today. :) It's been so long since I've written a blog of any sort, let's see if I still remember how to do this!!
First off, let me say I miss you girls. I miss you a LOT. Since moving to the south, specifically, but in reality since moving away from all of you... I miss you. I miss the opportunity to be real without judgement. And that's really why I need to write this blog and be vulnerable.
Cause I've been struggling.
As most of you know, I've just gone on the incredible journey of anticipating and giving birth to my first child. He is SUCH a treasure. Absolutely perfect. Brings me so much joy.
But I was AFRAID to LOVE him.
Honestly. That sounds so silly, right? I mean, he's my child, after all. But when Josiah was four days old, he started breathing funny. I couldn't describe it to anyone, and when doctors saw it their statement was, "huh. that's weird. never seen that before. I don't know what it is, but as long as he's turning blue, I wouldn't worry."
DON'T WORRY?!?!?! My kids BREATHING is "not normal" and you don't want me to worry?!?!?!
Against every doctors instruction, it was WORRY that consumed me. I spent the first three weeks of my precious childs life worrying to the point of sobbing over him every night as he grunted or did his "funky breathing." I don't think it helped that I've had two close friends from different seasons of life loose babies to SIDS in the past two years. The reality of the fragility of their little lives is so real to me.
I was afraid to LOOSE him.
In the midst of this, I had so many well-meaning Christians around me saying, "Heather, you just have to trust God. He will take care of Josiah."
Trust God? I DO trust God.
But I'm also not stupid. I know that sometimes God calls us to walk through things we don't want to walk through. And I had to be honest with myself and with God. I don't know if I could handle that. I thought about Job and when God said to Satan that there was no one righteous like him and basically offered for Satan to test him by taking him through trials. And I wrestled with God over that. I told Him I didn't think I could handle that. I begged Him not to take me through that. And I longed for Him to assure me that He wouldn't.
But He didn't. All I heard was silence.
So finally, after weeks of struggle and anxiety, I ran to the Scriptures. I was annoyed by verses that commanded me not to worry. I hated the story of Isaac because I knew I wasn't wiling to go that far (SO glad we didn't name him that - Isaac was one of our top five choices for a boys name). And then I stumbled across 1 John 4:7-21... specifically 4:18, "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love."
"Perfect love casts out fear."
Okay, I knew that. I'd heard that. But that was what didn't make sense to me. If perfect love casts out fear, but I was AFRAID to LOVE my son for fear of loosing him, how was I supposed to get rid of the fear in the first place? So I talked to God about it. I cried. And then I woke up and made a decision.
I'm going to love my son in spite of the fear.
And all of a sudden, I saw the scriptures at work. I let go and allowed myself to love. And slowly, but VERY surely, my fear has dissipated.
Now, does that mean I'm not at all worried any more that God might take my little boy away from me at some point in time? Not at all. But finally, I am finding myself able to take those thoughts captive and just look into the face of this precious gift God's given me for this time and just enjoy him. I love him, and the love is enabling me to move beyond the fear into looking forward to the future and dreaming dreams for my little boy. It enables me to cuddle him, talk to him, and give him everything I am moment by moment. I just have to CHOOSE love over fear, moment by moment.
I don't know if this even made sense, but I wanted to be honest and give you ladies a taste of where I've been these past few months. Cause I know you understand.
First off, let me say I miss you girls. I miss you a LOT. Since moving to the south, specifically, but in reality since moving away from all of you... I miss you. I miss the opportunity to be real without judgement. And that's really why I need to write this blog and be vulnerable.
Cause I've been struggling.
As most of you know, I've just gone on the incredible journey of anticipating and giving birth to my first child. He is SUCH a treasure. Absolutely perfect. Brings me so much joy.
But I was AFRAID to LOVE him.
Honestly. That sounds so silly, right? I mean, he's my child, after all. But when Josiah was four days old, he started breathing funny. I couldn't describe it to anyone, and when doctors saw it their statement was, "huh. that's weird. never seen that before. I don't know what it is, but as long as he's turning blue, I wouldn't worry."
DON'T WORRY?!?!?! My kids BREATHING is "not normal" and you don't want me to worry?!?!?!
Against every doctors instruction, it was WORRY that consumed me. I spent the first three weeks of my precious childs life worrying to the point of sobbing over him every night as he grunted or did his "funky breathing." I don't think it helped that I've had two close friends from different seasons of life loose babies to SIDS in the past two years. The reality of the fragility of their little lives is so real to me.
I was afraid to LOOSE him.
In the midst of this, I had so many well-meaning Christians around me saying, "Heather, you just have to trust God. He will take care of Josiah."
Trust God? I DO trust God.
But I'm also not stupid. I know that sometimes God calls us to walk through things we don't want to walk through. And I had to be honest with myself and with God. I don't know if I could handle that. I thought about Job and when God said to Satan that there was no one righteous like him and basically offered for Satan to test him by taking him through trials. And I wrestled with God over that. I told Him I didn't think I could handle that. I begged Him not to take me through that. And I longed for Him to assure me that He wouldn't.
But He didn't. All I heard was silence.
So finally, after weeks of struggle and anxiety, I ran to the Scriptures. I was annoyed by verses that commanded me not to worry. I hated the story of Isaac because I knew I wasn't wiling to go that far (SO glad we didn't name him that - Isaac was one of our top five choices for a boys name). And then I stumbled across 1 John 4:7-21... specifically 4:18, "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love."
"Perfect love casts out fear."
Okay, I knew that. I'd heard that. But that was what didn't make sense to me. If perfect love casts out fear, but I was AFRAID to LOVE my son for fear of loosing him, how was I supposed to get rid of the fear in the first place? So I talked to God about it. I cried. And then I woke up and made a decision.
I'm going to love my son in spite of the fear.
And all of a sudden, I saw the scriptures at work. I let go and allowed myself to love. And slowly, but VERY surely, my fear has dissipated.
Now, does that mean I'm not at all worried any more that God might take my little boy away from me at some point in time? Not at all. But finally, I am finding myself able to take those thoughts captive and just look into the face of this precious gift God's given me for this time and just enjoy him. I love him, and the love is enabling me to move beyond the fear into looking forward to the future and dreaming dreams for my little boy. It enables me to cuddle him, talk to him, and give him everything I am moment by moment. I just have to CHOOSE love over fear, moment by moment.
I don't know if this even made sense, but I wanted to be honest and give you ladies a taste of where I've been these past few months. Cause I know you understand.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Visiting The Parents
The kids and I have been at my parents since Monday. I realized today I do not have to post something profound to post so here I am writing about our trip.
There is something relaxing about going to my parents. I feel like I can sit and just be. The kids can play and watch shows and I can lay on the couch with pinterest and Facebook while Liv plays dollys with Grandma.
Yesterday my Mom and I went to the mall and to an early lunch with the kids and today my Dad and I will go to see Expendables 2. Can you tell I did not pick the movie?? It isn't really about the movie it is just going somewhere with my Dad that makes me feel happy and special.
I always have these great expectations when I go on a vacation like this. I bring 4 books and my workout clothes and plan a spectacular week of walking early every morning and reading my 4 spiritual books on the porch...
Well, that lasted ONE day... the rest of the week I have been watching tv and eating pie...
And you know what...
That's okay too:-)
Kristen
There is something relaxing about going to my parents. I feel like I can sit and just be. The kids can play and watch shows and I can lay on the couch with pinterest and Facebook while Liv plays dollys with Grandma.
Yesterday my Mom and I went to the mall and to an early lunch with the kids and today my Dad and I will go to see Expendables 2. Can you tell I did not pick the movie?? It isn't really about the movie it is just going somewhere with my Dad that makes me feel happy and special.
I always have these great expectations when I go on a vacation like this. I bring 4 books and my workout clothes and plan a spectacular week of walking early every morning and reading my 4 spiritual books on the porch...
Well, that lasted ONE day... the rest of the week I have been watching tv and eating pie...
And you know what...
That's okay too:-)
Kristen
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Why Can't I Mail Things???
I often wonder why I have such an irrational fear of the post office, stamps, and all things sent in a package. I love to receive packages, letters, and anything with a stamp on it. It always brightens my day and makes me feel really special. I know I am not the only one:-) I think my love of receiving packages stems way back to when the Big Claus used to bring me things on Christmas.
Now I am a champ at wrapping and handing a gift to someone or handwriting a card and delivering myself (although, I never do), but when it comes to using the postal service I am stumped. I have two cards pinned to my cork board and they have been there for almost two weeks! I mean really, I can't even put a stamp on it??? Apparently not!
So, I finally asked my hubby for some help with this "mailing" thing and he said he would mail all my letters if I put them on the cork board and I did. However, I forgot to tell him that one of them was missing the full address.... oops! I am sure the letter will end up back here at some point and I can resend it, but my thank you letter to my grandparents will be rudely late (it already is ridiculously late).
Oh well, right??? Better luck next time. You may be thinking, "Why don't you just call and say thank you to them?" Well... that would get into my weird fear of calling people on the phone... which is a whole different issue we can talk about on another day:-)
Kristen
Now I am a champ at wrapping and handing a gift to someone or handwriting a card and delivering myself (although, I never do), but when it comes to using the postal service I am stumped. I have two cards pinned to my cork board and they have been there for almost two weeks! I mean really, I can't even put a stamp on it??? Apparently not!
So, I finally asked my hubby for some help with this "mailing" thing and he said he would mail all my letters if I put them on the cork board and I did. However, I forgot to tell him that one of them was missing the full address.... oops! I am sure the letter will end up back here at some point and I can resend it, but my thank you letter to my grandparents will be rudely late (it already is ridiculously late).
Oh well, right??? Better luck next time. You may be thinking, "Why don't you just call and say thank you to them?" Well... that would get into my weird fear of calling people on the phone... which is a whole different issue we can talk about on another day:-)
Kristen
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