Quite some time ago (maybe April) a girl in our ministry shared with me a secret, a struggle, she was in a very tough spot. It happened to be a struggle close to my heart. She told me that in the previous months she'd had a miscarriage. Her and her boyfriend had since broken up, and a child was not an ideal addition to her life. But that didn't seem like it should make the pain of loss any less real. She talked, we cried, I prayed, and we helped her find the right way to tell her ex-boyfriend.
Later that same day, I began replaying the story. Things weren't completely adding up. The ultrasound picture she showed me didn't match her time line, and her responses to a few of my questions were not he replies of a girl who medically had interaction with a doctor regarding a miscarriage. But how awful! How could I possibly accuse her of being anything less than honest, if indeed she were being completely honest, what a wound. So, I didn't.
I prayed, and had a few friends praying as well. I prayed for an opportunity to ask her about it. I made a coffee date. Halfway through she got up to use the restroom and I prayed then for the words to say. I just don't do confrontation- I needed divine words. And I also decided that if it didn't come now I would drop it. I would continue to pray that God would work in her heart and bring her to a confession but I was done worrying about a confrontation.
And that's what happened. That was maybe June or July.
I've thought about it since then. I've thought about how much it hurt me to know, that she would come and sit on my couch with a cup of tea & tears and lie to me about a pain that was still all too real to me (I wasn't yet pregnant with this kicking little girl). Why did she feel the need to confide in me about this? I was hurt, and legitimately wronged.
I still wanted to know the truth. I wanted an apology. I thought maybe an explanation would make it not so bad (but that's not true). Wes kept me in check. I should want to see her come to know the truth, she's a new believer and if this really is a lie, it's a huge block in her relationship with Christ. She must be suffering to fabricate such a scenario. She needs to be restored in her relationship to God, and to her boyfriend. My feelings were just a passing causality, not the real wound. That was still hard to swallow.
Thursday, she called and asked if she could come out after work-- she had something to talk to me about. Moments before her arrival I still struggled with the need for her to know how much she had hurt me.
We sat and chatted, then she got to the point. She confessed that the whole thing had been a lie. Every single bit of it was made up. She talked for a while, and I listened. After her apology, I explained to her that I had been suspicious since day 1. I confessed to her that I had not yet asked her about it, because I couldn't do it with a right heart. And as I explained it to her, I found it easier to focus on the fact that she needed to be healed and restored from this, rather than how she'd hurt me. That her broken relationship with God was the primary victim here. We talked for quite a while more about it. Talked about the others that needed to know the truth, talked about her therapist, and how helpful therapy had been in this. It was a good chat. I told her that I forgive her, and I do.
Yesterday I was listening to Andrew Peterson (who else?) sing about the Prodigal's father. And realized...how cool that we get to play that part? How cool that as friends, sisters, mentors, and wives we can play the role of the Gracious Father. We get to excitedly run to her as she sulks home, realizing her wrongs. What I wanted was my hurts to be validated. But God doesn't ask that of us. We don't pay for lying. We repent from lying, admitting our wrongs. But setting aside our pride is no comparison to the lawful price we should pay.
Relationships and people are tough work. But tough work has such a great pay off. Why am I so afraid to do it? It feels so good to act in the way God acts. To give the grace I've been given. Not in a prideful way. But in the same way it feels good to watch your mom open that Christmas gift you chose and carefully wrapped just for her, knowing its perfect. Knowing that this is how it works.
So there. After months of not knowing what to post to Friday Prayer, a post. I hope it finds you all well, and encourages you!
Love,
Elaine
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
"Shrivel Up and Die..."
Someone who really doesn't know me too well said to me yesterday, "If you don't get a job soon and get around people every day, you're gonna shrivel up and die."
My initial thought: "Gee, thanks."
But upon further thought, I realized that she's right. I mean, I definitely have that type of personality - you put me in a new environment and my whole system kind of goes into shock. And that is definitely an accurate description of my experience here in Georgia so far. My surroundings are so unfamiliar, I am definitely feeling culture shock (even though I was sure I wouldn't), I don't really know too many people (although we are SO blessed to have a couple of families we know living close to us), I can't find a job, and I spend most of my day by myself in my house with my itunes blaring. I've found myself resentful of my husband for moving us here, extremely frustrated with the job hunt, and feeling kinda... hopeless. And that's not for lack of trying. I've sent out resumes every day, and I'm trying to make connections with other people in every way possible. I just feel tired, exhausted, and well... dried up.
Last week my husband bought me a plant. It's a Pixie Lilly, and the label says it's a "tough, easy to grow speciman." Well, I beg to differ. This is what my pixie lilly looks like after a week in its new home.
Not real promising, huh?
It was quite frustrating when I woke up one morning and my Pixie Lilly was all drooped over with the petals scattered around it on the floor. I almost gave up and just set it outside to finish dying.
But then I decided I wasn't quite ready to give up on it yet. I watered it, pulled off some of the dead petals, and set it out on the back porch. When I went back to get it, it still looked dead and I was disappointed. So I showed it to my husband to prove to him that I do NOT have a green thumb (he agrees, by the way). When he took a closer look at my little Pixie Lilly, however, he smiled and said, "Hey, don't give up on this one yet - look there's a new little bud up on top waiting to bloom." And sure enough, there was a tiny little new bud, very much alive, on the very top of the plant.
Even as I sit here looking at that rather pathetic looking plant and typing this, God is using that pathetic little Pixie Lilly to speak to my heart. Right now, I do feel really shriveled up - dead and useless. And even though we've only been here a month, at times, I've cried out to God, "God, have you forgotten about me?" But God doesn't work the way we sometimes think He should. Even though from my circumstances and the way I am feeling, it seems that I'm going to just "shrivel up and die" like that professor said, I think there's a different end to this story. It seems to me that maybe there's a little bud about to bloom in the story of my life. I just need to keep watering it, make sure it spends plenty of time in the "Son", and give it some time.
And that's a kiss on my forehead from Heaven. :) Grow up big and strong, little Pixie Lilly.
Ecclesiastes 3:11 "He has made everything beautiful in His time."
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Guess it's My turn...?
Hey Gals,
I am really, REALLY bad at Blogging (obviously) as of late, but I love it and miss it... I guess I'm feeling, like Kristen alluded to, a lack of inspiration. When I went to Moody, I blogged ALL the time, but now I guess I've felt like not enough is going on in my life that's blog-worthy. BUT, as I've sat and thought about it (on this incredibly slow slow SLOW Tuesday afternoon at work), I thought I'd at least send a little post on here to give an update on our lives...
A few of you know that we have been en-route to continue with our schooling since making the decision to leave Moody last spring. I've been working as the manager at the local fitness club, and Shannon's been working at the mortgage company he worked at prior to his 3 year stint in Mississippi. Last year at this time, if you'd told me that this is what my life was going to come to this year, I probably would've gotten depressed. Managing a fitness center for $10/hour is NOT what I was hoping to do post-College (my dad continually reminds me that I had a much better job BEFORE I spent all that money on my education - thank you, Dad). However, this year has been FULL of God working in our lives and through our lives...
First, I have seen God at work in my relationships with my family. Seriously, it's been crazy. It started this summer - Shannon and I prayed that God would give me a heart of compassion for my mom, and God suddenly gave me LOTS of opportunities to spend time with my mom. She started asking me to do stuff with her, and she and I spent a lot of time together. In moments when I would have usually been really irritated and aggrivated with my mom, I felt God holding my tongue. When I went to Bosnia this fall, I talked to Shannon after I'd been there for a week. It was Shannon's birthday and my parents had him over for dinner. Shannon told me that halfway through dinner, my mom asked Shannon how it was for him having me gone. After he replied, my mom said, "I know, it's so hard to not have her around. She's the best friend I have." I was shocked when he told me that. For years I've wondered if my mom even cares about me, after all, she's got 5 kids and we're all kinda messed up, but that word of love from my mom has spurred me on to love her even more. And I see things happening because of it! She started coming with me to a Ladies Bible Study on Wednesday nights, and got tied in with this group of women. Then she started showing up at church on Sunday mornings - she'd slip in the pew next to Shannon and I and then slip out right when church ended. Then, two weeks ago, I went to church on Tuesday morning for a meeting, and I heard my mom's voice. She was in the unemployment support group in the other room, and she'd gone completely on her own initiative. Since then, I've had people coming up to me at church saying how delightful my mom is, and how they can see God working in her life. HALLELUJAH!!! :) To top things off, my DAD has come WITH my mom to church these past 3 weeks!!!!! I can't even believe it!
I firmly believe God has us here this year to reach out to my family, and to bring healing to those relationships.
Second, I see God at work in my marriage. Shannon and I have been so blessed this year to be surrounded by our church family - we have never felt more loved, supported, and upheld in prayer than by our church family. And bless my husband, he goes for it. So this spring when we were approached and asked if we wanted to be part of a "Love and Respect" small group, he jumped at it. This group was sooooooooooo great for us - we found a taste of community that kept us going for the 12 weeks we were in the group. People were honest, and it was so great to know that we aren't the only ones out there (especially at our suburban church) who scream at each other now and then. Plus, we've seen the principals from the study at work in our marriage. It's been great. We've also had the privelege of attending a Crown Financial Study, learning to care for our finances. It has been neat to get on the same page with Shannon about money - especially since we have VERY different philosophies about money to start out from... we are only about halfway through this study, but it's been really great. I also see God at work in my marriage in the hard stuff. We've had major financial troubles, Shannon's dad is dying of terminal cancer, I've had a couple of recurring bouts of depression, Shannon's had a lot of sickness this year, we've had to make a lot of major decisions, ect. ect... God has just really grown us in the way we support and love one another. We still fight a lot, but are learning better how to fight fair, and also how to let the little things stay... little. :)
I firmly believe that God has us here this year to work on our marriage... to take some time to work on... us.
Third, I see God at work in... me! I shared this with Kristen on the phone a few weeks ago, and she said I had to put it on the blog. When I started working here at the fitness center, I had more than a few people raise an eyebrow of concern due to my history. And while I was cautious about it myself, I actually think it's been REALLY healthy for me. This particular health club takes a REALLY balanced approach to what a healthy lifestyle looks like. For example, my desk is right next to our dietician desk, so all day long, I'm overhearing our dietician talking to members about healthy eating. It's so neat for me to have that opportunity, because for my whole life, all I heard about nutrition was from either my mother's perspective (which was incredibly restrictive) or a dietician while I was trying to gain weight. In reality, I have never had healthy food habits programmed into me. And so as I hear her talking over and over again, I've watched myself actually "take on" these healthy habits in my own life. I'm eating more than I've ever eaten, I'm feeling better physically, and I can tell that I'm healthy and I feel... "normal" even in the way I think about food and eating now. Isn't that weird? I think it's such a huge blessing, because I really really feel like my brain is being reprogrammed, and I find that I'm THINKING about all of that stuff LESS and eating well and balanced is coming naturally! I feel like another part of the addiction of an eating disorder is being stripped from me - the thought life... does that make sense? Now, do I still struggle with how I look? Yes, but even THAT is changing, slowly. I'm actually coming to terms with accepting my body, too! HUGE victory, there! I think this is changing because I know I'm healthy and I know I'm doing healthy things for my body, even though I weigh almost 20 pounds more than I did two years ago I know that I'm healthy, and I have that continually reinforced by the place that I work and the people around me. It's been a really neat journey.
I firmly believe that God has me here this year to work on... ME! He's given me an opportunity to reprogram my mind and walk in new levels of healing. Talk about REDEMPTION!!
I had a lot more I was going to write here - about our plans for the future (we are officially moving to Georgia in July) and about our hopes and dreams, and all the things that are stressing me out right now, but I think I'm going to leave this as an altar... thinking of the things that God has done over the past year... and now I wonder...
What has God done in YOUR life this past year? Even if you aren't where you want to be, where have you seen HIM at work?
Grace & Peace,
Heather
I am really, REALLY bad at Blogging (obviously) as of late, but I love it and miss it... I guess I'm feeling, like Kristen alluded to, a lack of inspiration. When I went to Moody, I blogged ALL the time, but now I guess I've felt like not enough is going on in my life that's blog-worthy. BUT, as I've sat and thought about it (on this incredibly slow slow SLOW Tuesday afternoon at work), I thought I'd at least send a little post on here to give an update on our lives...
A few of you know that we have been en-route to continue with our schooling since making the decision to leave Moody last spring. I've been working as the manager at the local fitness club, and Shannon's been working at the mortgage company he worked at prior to his 3 year stint in Mississippi. Last year at this time, if you'd told me that this is what my life was going to come to this year, I probably would've gotten depressed. Managing a fitness center for $10/hour is NOT what I was hoping to do post-College (my dad continually reminds me that I had a much better job BEFORE I spent all that money on my education - thank you, Dad). However, this year has been FULL of God working in our lives and through our lives...
First, I have seen God at work in my relationships with my family. Seriously, it's been crazy. It started this summer - Shannon and I prayed that God would give me a heart of compassion for my mom, and God suddenly gave me LOTS of opportunities to spend time with my mom. She started asking me to do stuff with her, and she and I spent a lot of time together. In moments when I would have usually been really irritated and aggrivated with my mom, I felt God holding my tongue. When I went to Bosnia this fall, I talked to Shannon after I'd been there for a week. It was Shannon's birthday and my parents had him over for dinner. Shannon told me that halfway through dinner, my mom asked Shannon how it was for him having me gone. After he replied, my mom said, "I know, it's so hard to not have her around. She's the best friend I have." I was shocked when he told me that. For years I've wondered if my mom even cares about me, after all, she's got 5 kids and we're all kinda messed up, but that word of love from my mom has spurred me on to love her even more. And I see things happening because of it! She started coming with me to a Ladies Bible Study on Wednesday nights, and got tied in with this group of women. Then she started showing up at church on Sunday mornings - she'd slip in the pew next to Shannon and I and then slip out right when church ended. Then, two weeks ago, I went to church on Tuesday morning for a meeting, and I heard my mom's voice. She was in the unemployment support group in the other room, and she'd gone completely on her own initiative. Since then, I've had people coming up to me at church saying how delightful my mom is, and how they can see God working in her life. HALLELUJAH!!! :) To top things off, my DAD has come WITH my mom to church these past 3 weeks!!!!! I can't even believe it!
I firmly believe God has us here this year to reach out to my family, and to bring healing to those relationships.
Second, I see God at work in my marriage. Shannon and I have been so blessed this year to be surrounded by our church family - we have never felt more loved, supported, and upheld in prayer than by our church family. And bless my husband, he goes for it. So this spring when we were approached and asked if we wanted to be part of a "Love and Respect" small group, he jumped at it. This group was sooooooooooo great for us - we found a taste of community that kept us going for the 12 weeks we were in the group. People were honest, and it was so great to know that we aren't the only ones out there (especially at our suburban church) who scream at each other now and then. Plus, we've seen the principals from the study at work in our marriage. It's been great. We've also had the privelege of attending a Crown Financial Study, learning to care for our finances. It has been neat to get on the same page with Shannon about money - especially since we have VERY different philosophies about money to start out from... we are only about halfway through this study, but it's been really great. I also see God at work in my marriage in the hard stuff. We've had major financial troubles, Shannon's dad is dying of terminal cancer, I've had a couple of recurring bouts of depression, Shannon's had a lot of sickness this year, we've had to make a lot of major decisions, ect. ect... God has just really grown us in the way we support and love one another. We still fight a lot, but are learning better how to fight fair, and also how to let the little things stay... little. :)
I firmly believe that God has us here this year to work on our marriage... to take some time to work on... us.
Third, I see God at work in... me! I shared this with Kristen on the phone a few weeks ago, and she said I had to put it on the blog. When I started working here at the fitness center, I had more than a few people raise an eyebrow of concern due to my history. And while I was cautious about it myself, I actually think it's been REALLY healthy for me. This particular health club takes a REALLY balanced approach to what a healthy lifestyle looks like. For example, my desk is right next to our dietician desk, so all day long, I'm overhearing our dietician talking to members about healthy eating. It's so neat for me to have that opportunity, because for my whole life, all I heard about nutrition was from either my mother's perspective (which was incredibly restrictive) or a dietician while I was trying to gain weight. In reality, I have never had healthy food habits programmed into me. And so as I hear her talking over and over again, I've watched myself actually "take on" these healthy habits in my own life. I'm eating more than I've ever eaten, I'm feeling better physically, and I can tell that I'm healthy and I feel... "normal" even in the way I think about food and eating now. Isn't that weird? I think it's such a huge blessing, because I really really feel like my brain is being reprogrammed, and I find that I'm THINKING about all of that stuff LESS and eating well and balanced is coming naturally! I feel like another part of the addiction of an eating disorder is being stripped from me - the thought life... does that make sense? Now, do I still struggle with how I look? Yes, but even THAT is changing, slowly. I'm actually coming to terms with accepting my body, too! HUGE victory, there! I think this is changing because I know I'm healthy and I know I'm doing healthy things for my body, even though I weigh almost 20 pounds more than I did two years ago I know that I'm healthy, and I have that continually reinforced by the place that I work and the people around me. It's been a really neat journey.
I firmly believe that God has me here this year to work on... ME! He's given me an opportunity to reprogram my mind and walk in new levels of healing. Talk about REDEMPTION!!
I had a lot more I was going to write here - about our plans for the future (we are officially moving to Georgia in July) and about our hopes and dreams, and all the things that are stressing me out right now, but I think I'm going to leave this as an altar... thinking of the things that God has done over the past year... and now I wonder...
What has God done in YOUR life this past year? Even if you aren't where you want to be, where have you seen HIM at work?
Grace & Peace,
Heather
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Why Am I Afraid To Blog?
FAILURE!!!!! I am so afraid of failing and not getting it ‘right’. It comes down to an issue of desiring man’s praise. I just want it to be good enough. I want it to say something that will profoundly change peoples thinking and lives. I want it to be noticed. I want to be noticed. Isn’t it crazy how this desire to get others to like me actually ends up stopping me dead in my tracks? It stops me because I am frozen! I write title after title wondering which one is gonna be good enough. I wonder which topic of choice will be the one that hits closest to home for everyone. The ironic part is that I am writing this blog post to the friends who know me the best. I am writing to the friends that have seen the UGLY and still come back to love me. Even more so if you, my closest friends, do reject me it does not matter because Christ loves me and ultimately that isn't that what matters?
You are the women I would call in a tragedy. You are the women I would call if I got an AWESOME pair of shoes on sale. In the past year here in Fresno I have realized how cherished and dear you are to me. Apparently its not normal to have people who love you in the ugly. Wow, I am so blessed to have you so I need to get the heck over it and write already. You know there will be spelling mistakes. You know that I can not stay in the same tense for more than one or two sentences, but stick with me through the gramerical errors and I will try to have Aaron proof read the next one.
WHERE I AM AT!
I miss Moody. I miss being surrounded by women who got me and who knew my heart. I miss the instant connection I found in that environment. I have to work for it now. I have to put my heart out there, only this time it isn’t always treasured like it was with you. My vision and hope for women of Christ to find freedom IN Christ has been slowly fading from my mind and other easier things are sneaking into its place. Groceries, scheduling, time-management, and the routine of real life is crowding out the place where my vision lived. How do I get it back? How do I remember with joy the vision God gave me instead of remembering it as a failure? How do I talk to the God of the universe after ignoring him for so long? I want to pray, but it’s almost like I don’t remember how. The biggest question that underlines the rest... How do I remember the GOSPEL... which I seem to forget too often? I don't want to live my life in fear of dissapointing God, but that is where I am far too often.
This is all scattered... I am still processing, but his blog is about sharing our lives with one another and this is where I'm at. This is my life. So help me friends. Tell me what you know...
Love You
Kristen
You are the women I would call in a tragedy. You are the women I would call if I got an AWESOME pair of shoes on sale. In the past year here in Fresno I have realized how cherished and dear you are to me. Apparently its not normal to have people who love you in the ugly. Wow, I am so blessed to have you so I need to get the heck over it and write already. You know there will be spelling mistakes. You know that I can not stay in the same tense for more than one or two sentences, but stick with me through the gramerical errors and I will try to have Aaron proof read the next one.
WHERE I AM AT!
I miss Moody. I miss being surrounded by women who got me and who knew my heart. I miss the instant connection I found in that environment. I have to work for it now. I have to put my heart out there, only this time it isn’t always treasured like it was with you. My vision and hope for women of Christ to find freedom IN Christ has been slowly fading from my mind and other easier things are sneaking into its place. Groceries, scheduling, time-management, and the routine of real life is crowding out the place where my vision lived. How do I get it back? How do I remember with joy the vision God gave me instead of remembering it as a failure? How do I talk to the God of the universe after ignoring him for so long? I want to pray, but it’s almost like I don’t remember how. The biggest question that underlines the rest... How do I remember the GOSPEL... which I seem to forget too often? I don't want to live my life in fear of dissapointing God, but that is where I am far too often.
This is all scattered... I am still processing, but his blog is about sharing our lives with one another and this is where I'm at. This is my life. So help me friends. Tell me what you know...
Love You
Kristen
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Here we Go!
Grace and Peace friends -
I'm thrilled to be starting this blog together, this will be a place where we can share the things that are going on in our lives, and how God is working in them. It's also a place to be sharpened by one another, to be challenged, but also to be loved. Together we can encourage one another, pray for each other and learn from each other. So here goes the first blog...
In Galatians Paul writes this "I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you by the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel-which is really no gospel at all."
This is a strong statement to start our first blog with, but it's what we need to hear. I am not worried that any of you have walked away from the truths of the gospel, or left the Faith, but we have in more subtle ways forgotten what the gospel means for daily living. We tend to drift into orphan living - forgetting that we have a Father who loves us, and has accomplished redemption for us through Jesus Christ. The gospel is for daily living, not just for salvation, it's a new framework with which to view the world, one where you see the cross and realize that you are more sinful than you can ever believe, but more loved than you will ever understand. Stop performing for God, for your spouse, for your friends and co-workers, your family or church. Live in freedom, which brings me to our "founding" verse way back in the day when we started Friday Prayer.
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."
So with that theme in mind what are things that put you back into slavery, where you need to hear the gospel and renew your mind? Let us encourage one another with the Gospel. Keep believing-
Sara Copeland
Scripture from Galatians 1:6, 5:1 NIV
I'm thrilled to be starting this blog together, this will be a place where we can share the things that are going on in our lives, and how God is working in them. It's also a place to be sharpened by one another, to be challenged, but also to be loved. Together we can encourage one another, pray for each other and learn from each other. So here goes the first blog...
In Galatians Paul writes this "I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you by the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel-which is really no gospel at all."
This is a strong statement to start our first blog with, but it's what we need to hear. I am not worried that any of you have walked away from the truths of the gospel, or left the Faith, but we have in more subtle ways forgotten what the gospel means for daily living. We tend to drift into orphan living - forgetting that we have a Father who loves us, and has accomplished redemption for us through Jesus Christ. The gospel is for daily living, not just for salvation, it's a new framework with which to view the world, one where you see the cross and realize that you are more sinful than you can ever believe, but more loved than you will ever understand. Stop performing for God, for your spouse, for your friends and co-workers, your family or church. Live in freedom, which brings me to our "founding" verse way back in the day when we started Friday Prayer.
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."
So with that theme in mind what are things that put you back into slavery, where you need to hear the gospel and renew your mind? Let us encourage one another with the Gospel. Keep believing-
Sara Copeland
Scripture from Galatians 1:6, 5:1 NIV
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