Cleaning House

I throw a lot of things away.  I love to purge and get rid of anything we have not used in 3 months.  I realized I do this in order to avoid cleaning.  I feel a sense of accomplishment when I purge something.  After getting rid of crap I no longer feel the need to clean the room where I purged because I just purged it so its clean.  All this leaves me with is organized dirty house.

What good is an organized house when I can't find my favorite cookie press.  I can't find the darn thing because I gave it away.  Today I will clean my house from the weekend and instead of throwing stuff in the trash (unless it is trash)  I will actually clean the house: vacuum, dust, windows, laundry.

I think cleaning is so daunting because I know it will just get messy again.  Well, clean it anyway because living in filth is just gross and I don't wanna be gross.

Praise The Lord and Pass the Medicine

My pastor and his wife (Brian and Anna) told me of a professor from their seminary whose wife was severely depressed and she was medicated for it.  The professor used to tell the seminarians "Praise the Lord and pass the medicine."  Well let me tell you.  I am praising the Lord and passing the medicine to myself every morning and evening and it feels GOOD!

For some time now I have been on some psych meds.  Most of you know this because I am anything but quiet about it.  It is risky, but I talk about my meds the way a diabetic talks about insulin because it is the SAME thing.  It is risky because the looks and judgement are everything you fear it will be.  I have had the "judgey" looks and they bring pain and heartache.  I have also had the "good for you" looks that people give when they really want to say, "good for her I would NEVER take meds".  Both looks are equally discouraging.  I don't want taking medication to be something people are ashamed of me for nor something I want people to be proud of me for.  Both reactions are equally condescending.

What do I really want people to say and think... I don't know.  Really... I wish I did.

As I sit here and brainstorm what I think I want for myself and for others on psych meds to know is this...

Not only is it okay, but it is good to be on meds if you need them.  I want everyone to know that they are not alone.  That God knew you would need medication and thinks you are whole.  I want people to know that they don't have to tell me that they are hoping to stop medication someday so they can "live" without them.  Honestly, if I "lived" without my medication it would be like a slow death from the inside out.  I am my best self on medication.

I want to quit

So, breaking the fast of my blog silence should probably happen with something encouraging. Maybe by the end of this post it will. But right now I just want to give up.
I'm done being a missionary.
I'm done raising support.
I'm done living with my in laws.
Done trying to make new friends.
Done missing my old ones.
I just want to be done. I'm frustrated and discouraged.
I think life would be simpler with a little house that's my own where I can host my friends, and let my kids' toys lay around. With a normal job where someone pays you to do work for them and you're done at 5:00 (or even 6). A life where I can go to church to worship, not work. (And while we're dreaming, a baby that will nurse in the presence if noise or color).

I realize I'm venting, and that this blog is public and has potential for many people to misread it. But it's here for you my friends. To ask for you to pray for me, my heart, my kids, their hearts, my husband who is also discouraged (not helped by my discouragement)...
I don't want pity- maybe empathy. I'm not asking for support (unless you have 50K laying around. But you don't, you went to bible college too).
Love you guys.
I'll try to be back with something encouraging in a few days!
Elaine.

New Music Tuesday

Thinking of my son and hubbs today as I post this.  I love Andrew Peterson (thanks to Elaine) and every time I hear this song I cry a little at the thought of my son growing up into a man.  I pray he will "Take a ride on the mighty lion - Take a hold of the golden mane - This is the love of Jesus - So good but it is not tame".  I pray that as Judah and your sons take a ride on the mighty Lion they will know the good love of Christ as they grow into men.

Here is the song: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tkvea9HH8Wg

Little Boy Heart Alive

Open the door and run outside

Your little boy heart aliveInto the morning lightInto the deep and wide

Dinosaur bones in the flowerbedRockets in the cloudsIn a fight with a spider's webTunnels in the ground
Winding to ChinaTo the mist of the distant shoreBetter be home by suppertimeBack through the planet core

Feel the beat of a distant thunderIt's the sound of an ancient songThis is the Kingdom callingCome now and tread the dawn
Come to the fatherCome to the deeper wellDrink of the water And come to live a tale to tell
Pages are turning nowThis is abundant lifeThe joy in the journeyIs enough to make a grown man cry
With a little boy heart alive

Kings and castles in the neighborhoodSwords on the forest floorDragons in the magic woodBetter saddle your battle horseFor Fighting GoliathBetter choose your weapons rightFive little stones and a faith on fireIn a little boy heart alive

Met a kid at the railroad trackHe had a stick and a nylon sackI ran to the house to packI wanted to follow

Take a ride on the mighty lionTake a hold of the golden maneThis is the love of JesusSo good but it is not tame

Ever the road goes on and onEver the road goes on and on and on

5 Posts at a Time

Sometimes I feel like I set myself up for failure.  For example, I have a Mom's Morning Out on Mondays when I have 2.5 hours to do whatever I want without my kids.  I told myself I will use this time to write my 5 blog posts for the week.  I realize now that is tooooooo much pressure.  I need to remember that taking things one minute at a time is the safest way for a mother of two to live.  If I took all the pressure off that I (alone) put on myself I would breath a lot deeper during the days.

If I took the time to remember the Gospel and the reality of Christ's death for me on the cross the pressure to be perfect that I put on would fall off.  If I could remember that God sees only Christ covering me when he looks at my little life I would live it without trying to be "awesome" (or trying to the that girl that has got it together).  My prayer today is to remember the gospel and God's love when I put the pressure on.

On a side note... when a mother of two is given 2.5 hours to herself she should totally go to Starbucks and Target...  Duhhhhhh!

Me

This New Life

I like to think I am really good at starting over.  I am good at 'unemotional' goodbyes and very friendly with new 'hellos'.  I realize now that my skill set ends there.  I am sad and depressed and torn and excited and crazy all at the same time (well, the crazy goes with me everywhere I just didn't want her to feel left out).

I miss my sister, I miss my friends, I miss my life, I miss the familiar faces of all the people I love and that loved me so well.  I miss knowing where to eat out and how to get to TARGET!  I miss knowing which Target was lame and which Target had the best popcorn (yes, I have a Target problem... don't act like you don't).  I just miss so many of the little things I did not plan on missing.

I am happy we moved.  I am happy that my husband is happy, but I am not happy that I am unhappy.  I should by all accounts... be happy.  We have a great apartment, I look out my bedroom to clear skies and a forest, it is 65 degrees, I have met a couple new friends, we are members at a great new church and I know this is where God clearly sent us, but I am still depressed and unable to shake the memories of the life I had and LOVED.

So I guess the question is how do I look fondly on the life I lived and forward to the new life I have?

I don't know the answer, but I am finally ready to ask the question.  It has been a while since my last post because I didn't want to write some dumb post when this is how I am really feeling.  For now I am just living in this feeling knowing that I cannot magically make the sadness go away, but I can fight to look forward to the future with joy and know that it is okay to miss the past.  \

Kristen

Christian Radio

So, I have always been super critical of Christian radio stations because they usually are terrible.  In CA the Christian radio stations only play crap and they play the same crap over and over and over.  This always got under my skin and just made me so mad that Christians couldn't do radio well.

Then we moved to St. Louis where Christian radio is actually good.  They still play some crap... for sure... but most of the music is lyrically uplifting and the content is top notch.  Again, some of it is still trash in style and content, but it is more good than bad.

I started thinking about Christian radio and who it reaches and then began to back off of my critical heart because Christian radio reaches a NEW believer in a BIG way.  A person who comes to Christ and decides to switch from Katy Perry, Pink, and Bruno Mars to Toby Mac, Mercy Me, and Kari Jobe will go from something purely secular to something that is ideally filling their mind with things of God instead of things of this world.

I try to remember this when I am critical, but it does raise the question.  Is 'better' Christian music that has biblically sound content 'most' of the time the goal or should we just give our Christian friends a Bethany Dillon, Derek Webb (early stuff), or Shane and Shane Album???

Thoughts???