Faith vs. Fear

Okay, Kristen, you've got me back on this bandwagon. At least for today.  :)  It's been so long since I've written a blog of any sort, let's see if I still remember how to do this!!

First off, let me say I miss you girls. I miss you a LOT. Since moving to the south, specifically, but in reality since moving away from all of you... I miss you. I miss the opportunity to be real without judgement. And that's really why I need to write this blog and be vulnerable.

Cause I've been struggling.

As most of you know, I've just gone on the incredible journey of anticipating and giving birth to my first child. He is SUCH a treasure. Absolutely perfect. Brings me so much joy.

But I was AFRAID to LOVE him.

Honestly. That sounds so silly, right? I mean, he's my child, after all. But when Josiah was four days old, he started breathing funny. I couldn't describe it to anyone, and when doctors saw it their statement was, "huh. that's weird. never seen that before. I don't know what it is, but as long as he's turning blue, I wouldn't worry."

DON'T WORRY?!?!?!  My kids BREATHING is "not normal" and you don't want me to worry?!?!?!

Against every doctors instruction, it was WORRY that consumed me. I spent the first three weeks of my precious childs life worrying to the point of sobbing over him every night as he grunted or did his "funky breathing." I don't think it helped that I've had two close friends from different seasons of life loose babies to SIDS in the past two years. The reality of the fragility of their little lives is so real to me.

I was afraid to LOOSE him.

In the midst of this, I had so many well-meaning Christians around me saying, "Heather, you just have to trust God. He will take care of Josiah."

Trust God? I DO trust God. 

But I'm also not stupid. I know that sometimes God calls us to walk through things we don't want to walk through. And I had to be honest with myself and with God. I don't know if I could handle that. I thought about Job and when God said to Satan that there was no one righteous like him and basically offered for Satan to test him by taking him through trials. And I wrestled with God over that. I told Him I didn't think I could handle that. I begged Him not to take me through that. And I longed for Him to assure me that He wouldn't.

But He didn't. All I heard was silence.

So finally, after weeks of struggle and anxiety, I ran to the Scriptures. I was annoyed by verses that commanded me not to worry. I hated the story of Isaac because I knew I wasn't wiling to go that far (SO glad we didn't name him that - Isaac was one of our top five choices for a boys name). And then I stumbled across 1 John 4:7-21... specifically 4:18, "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love."

"Perfect love casts out fear."

Okay, I knew that. I'd heard that. But that was what didn't make sense to me. If perfect love casts out fear, but I was AFRAID to LOVE my son for fear of loosing him, how was I supposed to get rid of the fear in the first place?  So I talked to God about it. I cried. And then I woke up and made a decision.

I'm going to love my son in spite of the fear.

And all of a sudden, I saw the scriptures at work. I let go and allowed myself to love. And slowly, but VERY surely, my fear has dissipated.

Now, does that mean I'm not at all worried any more that God might take my little boy away from me at some point in time?  Not at all. But finally, I am finding myself able to take those thoughts captive and just look into the face of this precious gift God's given me for this time and just enjoy him. I love him, and the love is enabling me to move beyond the fear into looking forward to the future and dreaming dreams for my little boy. It enables me to cuddle him, talk to him, and give him everything I am moment by moment. I just have to CHOOSE love over fear, moment by moment.

I don't know if this even made sense, but I wanted to be honest and give you ladies a taste of where I've been these past few months. Cause I know you understand.