FAILURE!!!!! I am so afraid of failing and not getting it ‘right’. It comes down to an issue of desiring man’s praise. I just want it to be good enough. I want it to say something that will profoundly change peoples thinking and lives. I want it to be noticed. I want to be noticed. Isn’t it crazy how this desire to get others to like me actually ends up stopping me dead in my tracks? It stops me because I am frozen! I write title after title wondering which one is gonna be good enough. I wonder which topic of choice will be the one that hits closest to home for everyone. The ironic part is that I am writing this blog post to the friends who know me the best. I am writing to the friends that have seen the UGLY and still come back to love me. Even more so if you, my closest friends, do reject me it does not matter because Christ loves me and ultimately that isn't that what matters?
You are the women I would call in a tragedy. You are the women I would call if I got an AWESOME pair of shoes on sale. In the past year here in Fresno I have realized how cherished and dear you are to me. Apparently its not normal to have people who love you in the ugly. Wow, I am so blessed to have you so I need to get the heck over it and write already. You know there will be spelling mistakes. You know that I can not stay in the same tense for more than one or two sentences, but stick with me through the gramerical errors and I will try to have Aaron proof read the next one.
WHERE I AM AT!
I miss Moody. I miss being surrounded by women who got me and who knew my heart. I miss the instant connection I found in that environment. I have to work for it now. I have to put my heart out there, only this time it isn’t always treasured like it was with you. My vision and hope for women of Christ to find freedom IN Christ has been slowly fading from my mind and other easier things are sneaking into its place. Groceries, scheduling, time-management, and the routine of real life is crowding out the place where my vision lived. How do I get it back? How do I remember with joy the vision God gave me instead of remembering it as a failure? How do I talk to the God of the universe after ignoring him for so long? I want to pray, but it’s almost like I don’t remember how. The biggest question that underlines the rest... How do I remember the GOSPEL... which I seem to forget too often? I don't want to live my life in fear of dissapointing God, but that is where I am far too often.
This is all scattered... I am still processing, but his blog is about sharing our lives with one another and this is where I'm at. This is my life. So help me friends. Tell me what you know...
Love You
Kristen
