Cleaning House

I throw a lot of things away.  I love to purge and get rid of anything we have not used in 3 months.  I realized I do this in order to avoid cleaning.  I feel a sense of accomplishment when I purge something.  After getting rid of crap I no longer feel the need to clean the room where I purged because I just purged it so its clean.  All this leaves me with is organized dirty house.

What good is an organized house when I can't find my favorite cookie press.  I can't find the darn thing because I gave it away.  Today I will clean my house from the weekend and instead of throwing stuff in the trash (unless it is trash)  I will actually clean the house: vacuum, dust, windows, laundry.

I think cleaning is so daunting because I know it will just get messy again.  Well, clean it anyway because living in filth is just gross and I don't wanna be gross.

Praise The Lord and Pass the Medicine

My pastor and his wife (Brian and Anna) told me of a professor from their seminary whose wife was severely depressed and she was medicated for it.  The professor used to tell the seminarians "Praise the Lord and pass the medicine."  Well let me tell you.  I am praising the Lord and passing the medicine to myself every morning and evening and it feels GOOD!

For some time now I have been on some psych meds.  Most of you know this because I am anything but quiet about it.  It is risky, but I talk about my meds the way a diabetic talks about insulin because it is the SAME thing.  It is risky because the looks and judgement are everything you fear it will be.  I have had the "judgey" looks and they bring pain and heartache.  I have also had the "good for you" looks that people give when they really want to say, "good for her I would NEVER take meds".  Both looks are equally discouraging.  I don't want taking medication to be something people are ashamed of me for nor something I want people to be proud of me for.  Both reactions are equally condescending.

What do I really want people to say and think... I don't know.  Really... I wish I did.

As I sit here and brainstorm what I think I want for myself and for others on psych meds to know is this...

Not only is it okay, but it is good to be on meds if you need them.  I want everyone to know that they are not alone.  That God knew you would need medication and thinks you are whole.  I want people to know that they don't have to tell me that they are hoping to stop medication someday so they can "live" without them.  Honestly, if I "lived" without my medication it would be like a slow death from the inside out.  I am my best self on medication.

I want to quit

So, breaking the fast of my blog silence should probably happen with something encouraging. Maybe by the end of this post it will. But right now I just want to give up.
I'm done being a missionary.
I'm done raising support.
I'm done living with my in laws.
Done trying to make new friends.
Done missing my old ones.
I just want to be done. I'm frustrated and discouraged.
I think life would be simpler with a little house that's my own where I can host my friends, and let my kids' toys lay around. With a normal job where someone pays you to do work for them and you're done at 5:00 (or even 6). A life where I can go to church to worship, not work. (And while we're dreaming, a baby that will nurse in the presence if noise or color).

I realize I'm venting, and that this blog is public and has potential for many people to misread it. But it's here for you my friends. To ask for you to pray for me, my heart, my kids, their hearts, my husband who is also discouraged (not helped by my discouragement)...
I don't want pity- maybe empathy. I'm not asking for support (unless you have 50K laying around. But you don't, you went to bible college too).
Love you guys.
I'll try to be back with something encouraging in a few days!
Elaine.

New Music Tuesday

Thinking of my son and hubbs today as I post this.  I love Andrew Peterson (thanks to Elaine) and every time I hear this song I cry a little at the thought of my son growing up into a man.  I pray he will "Take a ride on the mighty lion - Take a hold of the golden mane - This is the love of Jesus - So good but it is not tame".  I pray that as Judah and your sons take a ride on the mighty Lion they will know the good love of Christ as they grow into men.

Here is the song: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tkvea9HH8Wg

Little Boy Heart Alive

Open the door and run outside

Your little boy heart aliveInto the morning lightInto the deep and wide

Dinosaur bones in the flowerbedRockets in the cloudsIn a fight with a spider's webTunnels in the ground
Winding to ChinaTo the mist of the distant shoreBetter be home by suppertimeBack through the planet core

Feel the beat of a distant thunderIt's the sound of an ancient songThis is the Kingdom callingCome now and tread the dawn
Come to the fatherCome to the deeper wellDrink of the water And come to live a tale to tell
Pages are turning nowThis is abundant lifeThe joy in the journeyIs enough to make a grown man cry
With a little boy heart alive

Kings and castles in the neighborhoodSwords on the forest floorDragons in the magic woodBetter saddle your battle horseFor Fighting GoliathBetter choose your weapons rightFive little stones and a faith on fireIn a little boy heart alive

Met a kid at the railroad trackHe had a stick and a nylon sackI ran to the house to packI wanted to follow

Take a ride on the mighty lionTake a hold of the golden maneThis is the love of JesusSo good but it is not tame

Ever the road goes on and onEver the road goes on and on and on

5 Posts at a Time

Sometimes I feel like I set myself up for failure.  For example, I have a Mom's Morning Out on Mondays when I have 2.5 hours to do whatever I want without my kids.  I told myself I will use this time to write my 5 blog posts for the week.  I realize now that is tooooooo much pressure.  I need to remember that taking things one minute at a time is the safest way for a mother of two to live.  If I took all the pressure off that I (alone) put on myself I would breath a lot deeper during the days.

If I took the time to remember the Gospel and the reality of Christ's death for me on the cross the pressure to be perfect that I put on would fall off.  If I could remember that God sees only Christ covering me when he looks at my little life I would live it without trying to be "awesome" (or trying to the that girl that has got it together).  My prayer today is to remember the gospel and God's love when I put the pressure on.

On a side note... when a mother of two is given 2.5 hours to herself she should totally go to Starbucks and Target...  Duhhhhhh!

Me

This New Life

I like to think I am really good at starting over.  I am good at 'unemotional' goodbyes and very friendly with new 'hellos'.  I realize now that my skill set ends there.  I am sad and depressed and torn and excited and crazy all at the same time (well, the crazy goes with me everywhere I just didn't want her to feel left out).

I miss my sister, I miss my friends, I miss my life, I miss the familiar faces of all the people I love and that loved me so well.  I miss knowing where to eat out and how to get to TARGET!  I miss knowing which Target was lame and which Target had the best popcorn (yes, I have a Target problem... don't act like you don't).  I just miss so many of the little things I did not plan on missing.

I am happy we moved.  I am happy that my husband is happy, but I am not happy that I am unhappy.  I should by all accounts... be happy.  We have a great apartment, I look out my bedroom to clear skies and a forest, it is 65 degrees, I have met a couple new friends, we are members at a great new church and I know this is where God clearly sent us, but I am still depressed and unable to shake the memories of the life I had and LOVED.

So I guess the question is how do I look fondly on the life I lived and forward to the new life I have?

I don't know the answer, but I am finally ready to ask the question.  It has been a while since my last post because I didn't want to write some dumb post when this is how I am really feeling.  For now I am just living in this feeling knowing that I cannot magically make the sadness go away, but I can fight to look forward to the future with joy and know that it is okay to miss the past.  \

Kristen

Christian Radio

So, I have always been super critical of Christian radio stations because they usually are terrible.  In CA the Christian radio stations only play crap and they play the same crap over and over and over.  This always got under my skin and just made me so mad that Christians couldn't do radio well.

Then we moved to St. Louis where Christian radio is actually good.  They still play some crap... for sure... but most of the music is lyrically uplifting and the content is top notch.  Again, some of it is still trash in style and content, but it is more good than bad.

I started thinking about Christian radio and who it reaches and then began to back off of my critical heart because Christian radio reaches a NEW believer in a BIG way.  A person who comes to Christ and decides to switch from Katy Perry, Pink, and Bruno Mars to Toby Mac, Mercy Me, and Kari Jobe will go from something purely secular to something that is ideally filling their mind with things of God instead of things of this world.

I try to remember this when I am critical, but it does raise the question.  Is 'better' Christian music that has biblically sound content 'most' of the time the goal or should we just give our Christian friends a Bethany Dillon, Derek Webb (early stuff), or Shane and Shane Album???

Thoughts???

Waiting Here For You

My sister sent me this song Waiting Here for You a long time ago and I loved it then, but I feel like I have been understanding it more and more.

I spend a lot of time waiting on the Lord, but I should be waiting in praise and thankfulness.  When I wait for change, peace, circumstances, help and answers my pre-resonse should be waiting in praise singing alleluia!

I also need to remember how much time he spends waiting for me. He waits patiently when I am and far from him and not only does he wait patiently, but as the prodigals father ran to him God runs to me to while I am in the far off distance to bring me home.

Thanks be to God for his pleasing and perfect will that chooses to love us and call us to himself.  Help me Lord when I am waiting here for you!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3OEGnH5x8g

Here is the song.

Love,
Kristen

Faith vs. Fear

Okay, Kristen, you've got me back on this bandwagon. At least for today.  :)  It's been so long since I've written a blog of any sort, let's see if I still remember how to do this!!

First off, let me say I miss you girls. I miss you a LOT. Since moving to the south, specifically, but in reality since moving away from all of you... I miss you. I miss the opportunity to be real without judgement. And that's really why I need to write this blog and be vulnerable.

Cause I've been struggling.

As most of you know, I've just gone on the incredible journey of anticipating and giving birth to my first child. He is SUCH a treasure. Absolutely perfect. Brings me so much joy.

But I was AFRAID to LOVE him.

Honestly. That sounds so silly, right? I mean, he's my child, after all. But when Josiah was four days old, he started breathing funny. I couldn't describe it to anyone, and when doctors saw it their statement was, "huh. that's weird. never seen that before. I don't know what it is, but as long as he's turning blue, I wouldn't worry."

DON'T WORRY?!?!?!  My kids BREATHING is "not normal" and you don't want me to worry?!?!?!

Against every doctors instruction, it was WORRY that consumed me. I spent the first three weeks of my precious childs life worrying to the point of sobbing over him every night as he grunted or did his "funky breathing." I don't think it helped that I've had two close friends from different seasons of life loose babies to SIDS in the past two years. The reality of the fragility of their little lives is so real to me.

I was afraid to LOOSE him.

In the midst of this, I had so many well-meaning Christians around me saying, "Heather, you just have to trust God. He will take care of Josiah."

Trust God? I DO trust God. 

But I'm also not stupid. I know that sometimes God calls us to walk through things we don't want to walk through. And I had to be honest with myself and with God. I don't know if I could handle that. I thought about Job and when God said to Satan that there was no one righteous like him and basically offered for Satan to test him by taking him through trials. And I wrestled with God over that. I told Him I didn't think I could handle that. I begged Him not to take me through that. And I longed for Him to assure me that He wouldn't.

But He didn't. All I heard was silence.

So finally, after weeks of struggle and anxiety, I ran to the Scriptures. I was annoyed by verses that commanded me not to worry. I hated the story of Isaac because I knew I wasn't wiling to go that far (SO glad we didn't name him that - Isaac was one of our top five choices for a boys name). And then I stumbled across 1 John 4:7-21... specifically 4:18, "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love."

"Perfect love casts out fear."

Okay, I knew that. I'd heard that. But that was what didn't make sense to me. If perfect love casts out fear, but I was AFRAID to LOVE my son for fear of loosing him, how was I supposed to get rid of the fear in the first place?  So I talked to God about it. I cried. And then I woke up and made a decision.

I'm going to love my son in spite of the fear.

And all of a sudden, I saw the scriptures at work. I let go and allowed myself to love. And slowly, but VERY surely, my fear has dissipated.

Now, does that mean I'm not at all worried any more that God might take my little boy away from me at some point in time?  Not at all. But finally, I am finding myself able to take those thoughts captive and just look into the face of this precious gift God's given me for this time and just enjoy him. I love him, and the love is enabling me to move beyond the fear into looking forward to the future and dreaming dreams for my little boy. It enables me to cuddle him, talk to him, and give him everything I am moment by moment. I just have to CHOOSE love over fear, moment by moment.

I don't know if this even made sense, but I wanted to be honest and give you ladies a taste of where I've been these past few months. Cause I know you understand.

Visiting The Parents

The kids and I have been at my parents since Monday.  I realized today I do not have to post something profound to post so here I am writing about our trip.

There is something relaxing about going to my parents.  I feel like I can sit and just be.  The kids can play and watch shows and I can lay on the couch with pinterest and Facebook while Liv plays dollys with Grandma.

Yesterday my Mom and I went to the mall and to an early lunch with the kids and today my Dad and I will go to see Expendables 2.  Can you tell I did not pick the movie??  It isn't really about the movie it is just going somewhere with my Dad that makes me feel happy and special.

I always have these great expectations when I go on a vacation like this.  I bring 4 books and my workout clothes and plan a spectacular week of walking early every morning and reading my 4 spiritual books on the porch...

Well, that lasted ONE day... the rest of the week I have been watching tv and eating pie...

And you know what...

That's okay too:-)

Kristen

Why Can't I Mail Things???

I often wonder why I have such an irrational fear of the post office, stamps, and all things sent in a package.  I love to receive packages, letters, and anything with a stamp on it.  It always brightens my day and makes me feel really special.  I know I am not the only one:-)  I think my love of receiving packages stems way back to when the Big Claus used to bring me things on Christmas.

Now I am a champ at wrapping and handing a gift to someone or handwriting a card and delivering myself (although, I never do), but when it comes to using the postal service I am stumped.  I have two cards pinned to my cork board and they have been there for almost two weeks! I mean really, I can't even put a stamp on it???  Apparently not!

So, I finally asked my hubby for some help with this "mailing" thing and he said he would mail all my letters if I put them on the cork board and I did.  However, I forgot to tell him that one of them was missing the full address.... oops!  I am sure the letter will end up back here at some point and I can resend it, but my thank you letter to my grandparents will be rudely late (it already is ridiculously late).

Oh well, right???  Better luck next time.  You may be thinking, "Why don't you just call and say thank you to them?"  Well... that would get into my weird fear of calling people on the phone... which is a whole different issue we can talk about on another day:-)

Kristen

Reason Why???

Why did we start this blog a few years ago... The main reason can be found to the right of the screen you are looking at right now.  Some of the other reasons are below (along with some pics of us in the old days).

We missed each other.

We needed to hear the gospel from each other.

We wanted to share our lives.

We wanted to be together even though NONE of us live NEAR each other.  

Personally, I needed these women.  I needed a place where I could let my thoughts run wild no matter what those thoughts may be.  I needed this blog for the same reason I needed to go to Elaine's room next door for tea and hob-nobs... the same reason I reread those cards Heather wrote me that have a billion words on them.... for the same reason I only talk to Sara every once and a while, but every time I feel so understood... for the same reason that Kristen just listens to me as I go on and on and on about life... I miss these women.  

I miss all the friends I have said good bye to over the years.  I just said goodbye again about a month ago when we moved to St. Louis and every time I say goodbye I think it will be easier, but it is still just as hard (every stinking time).  

I get that I will see all of my goodbyes in heaven, but sometimes that doesn't feel good enough... and on those days I get a little blue (then I stalk pictures of them on Facebook)!

I miss you guys.... 

Now for some pics of days gone by... Let's go ahead and play that Sarah McLachlan song about saving dogs...

When I was picking a picture of me and Kristen I found like 10 of the same pic in a row and I know it's because I was trying to take one that made me look really skinny:-) two kids later I think I look like a goddess in this picture.

Me and Sara on our last day hanging out in Chicago!  We are so matchy match and coordinated in this picture!

Dang Heather you are rocking the heck out of that dress for JSB!!  And yes I am rocking a Eagles sweatshirt working overtime at SMD!

Dear Elaine,  You get two pictures... One where u look SMOKIN HOT!!!!

And one where you can't really see us very well, but from this angle I look super fit and skinny and like a bad awesome business lady!

Love, 

Kristen

Sister. Teacher. Daughter of the King.

My sister got a teaching job this week!  It is so exciting because she has been working towards this goal for some time now and her dream was finally realized.  She spent the last semester of school working so hard trying to finish her credential and she did (she kicked that credential's butt).

The problem was once she finished (and finished well), she started the waiting... waiting... waiting for a job to open in a market where jobs are hard to come by.  I know she wondered if she would get an interview.  I know she wondered if she would get a job offer.  I also know her well enough to know that she wondered if she was good enough for an interview or a job offer.  Most people would say this kind of fear is normal (and it is), but it was torture as her baby sister knowing she feared she was not good enough.

I have spent my whole life looking at my sister and seeing every AMAZING thing about her and it is heartbreaking to realize that she doesn't see her own AMAZINGNESS.

She doesn't see her beauty
She doesn't see her kindness
She doesn't see her determination
She doesn't see her patience
And a million other things...



Through this "job hunt" process I saw my sister put her faith in Christ to provide for her in beautiful humble way willingly trusting him no mater the outcome.  Watching her humility and trust in Christ made it that much more fun for me to see her surprise when she was offered a position!

Here is the BEST part of the story that I am sure she has left out to the world...

SHE WAS THE #1 CHOICE!!!

They ranked all the candidates who applied for positions and she was ranked #1!!!

Not only that, but the schools were FIGHTING over who would get to keep her!!!

I am so so proud of her and this amazing accomplishment.  I am so proud of her faith through the process.  I know she still wonders at times if she is good enough (as we all do) and I wrote this so she can remember that she is.

However, she is not good enough because I think so, but because the King of this universe chose her to be His daughter before the foundation of the world.  He called her out of darkness and into His marvelous light.  He stepped down to earth and died for her sins.

May we always be able to tell our sisters this truth.  May we always remind them that it is Christ who makes them GREAT in failure or accomplishment.

I love you Ang.  I am so proud of you!!

Love,

Krissy

I cannot believe she still loves me after this ordeal.

Good Times In NYC

Dad gave us his tickets to see Zac Brown Band... SO FUN

Writing in Passive Voice

Passive Voice

I have some irrational fears in my life.  I am always afraid my underwear line is showing.  I am always afraid I sound a little bitchy.  I am always afraid I am not good enough (aren't we all).

I am honestly afraid of using Passive Voice in my writing.

I had this teacher in high school named Mr. Hawkins.  I took him for my freshman english class and again my senior year for Bible Lit. (Yes, they did offer Bible Lit. at my high school).  Mr. Hawkins was a strong Christian and he was a kind man.  However, he HATED passive voice.  We would do language exercises in his class freshman year every day.  We diagramed sentences and had to find passive voice and eliminate the threat (he was also x-military, crew cut and all).  He sent every paper home with big red marks PASSIVE VOICE over every sentence that used passive voice.  It was a little daunting.  The problem is that it was my freshman year in high school and I cared way more about EVERY boy in my class then I did about grammar (as you can tell by my lack of grammatical skills).

I don't remember much about passive voice.  I do remember it makes you look like an idiot when you write in passive voice, it makes you look uneducated when you write in passive voice, and no one will want to read your writing if you write in passive voice.  I also remember that "there is", "it was", "should have", and maybe even "were" are all ways we use passive voice and should never be used in writing.

The problem is that I do not remember how to fix this problem (that's where hearing only every other word my teacher says comes into play).  I was 15 and I did not give a crap about passive voice.  Here I am 12 years later being plauged because I only listened to half of what Mr. Hawkins was trying to teach me (kids pay attention to your teachers).

What does all this mean???

It means I have terrible grammar.  My next door neighbor in college Stephanie was a linguistics major and it took her correcting me to figure out that grammericle is not a word, but that grammatical is.  My fear of passive voice keeps me from doing a lot.  It keeps me from sending emails, writing letters, updating Facebook, and writing blog posts.  This is the first thing I have written in 5 years that Aaron did NOT spell check.  He used to check all my papers at Moody because I always switch between past tense and present tense... and I write with PASSIVE VOICE!

I think it's funny that this is kinda like God...  Yes, I am making Passive Voice about God.

I sit in my room, around my house, at church trying to listen to Him only catching half of what He says.  The only half I usually hear is about all the ways I fail and do not meet his expectations.  I also hear all the ways I should not be living and all the things I should be doing that I am not doing.  Just like Mr. Hawkins I am left without knowing how to fix the problem.

The beauty of God (and not Passive Voice) is that I... I... I... I... cannot fix this problem.  I cannot pull myself up by my linguistic bootstraps and make God love me more.  I cannot will myself to do the things I should be doing and not do the things I should not be doing.  Paul, had the same problem so at least I am in good company:-)

What I can do is remember that Jesus died on the cross.  He paid for my sin.  He loves me passionately even though he knows I will fail and fail and fail again.  For someone like me who likes to go "get it done" it is hard for these simple truths to be enough, but they are.

So thank you Lord, for loving me...

Even if I use Passive Voice.

KH